Hey ya'll
I'm still here. Battered and bruised yes, but still here.
We spent this last week in Moldova - I'll post some pics soon.
Part of the team was checking out the possibility of starting a WMF
community there focusing on the problem of sex trafficking that's really prevalent there.
The rest of us were just hanging out, cause we had to be out of Romania for at least 3 days
in order to get our visas renewed.
It was good and bad. We were in Chisinau - the capitol city. So we did the tourist thing a bit - I find that I'm not really in the tourist mood right now, but I guess a break is healthy once and a while. I think several of us got tired of eachother while we were there. We hung out all day everyday. Stuff comes up, issues arise, and drama happens when you spend that much time around people. yikes. yeah for community! :-) But seriously I think it is good. We were forced to deal with it. I really like that about being here with this WMF community. We are forced to deal with the junk that is part of real life- in the world and in relationship with ourselves in our relationships with God and in our relationships with eachother. that's a great thing. It's horrible and painful and depressing. Yet it's great. It's like that disgusting medicine that I know will make me better (though these days they make medicine taste so good...).
That's kinda been my mood as of late. Depressed - dealing with culture shock. Not really knowing how to connect with God in this foreign culture. Not knowing how to connect with other people - whether they speak English or Romanian. Being frustrated at this melancholy, confused, somewhat apathetic person on display to the people around me.
I'm also dealing somewhat with the disappointment of realizing that my expectations for this experience aren't being met, and likely won't be. I guess I hoped this experience would fix me. I wrote in an email the other day that I hoped this experience would make me a "love machine" - that I would just come away oozing God's love - knowing exactly how to love God and love the world around me.
That much is consistent - it's about "me". Why is it that I want to be a "love machine"? I dont' think that's coming out of a response to God's love. More likely, It's out of a desire to be something awesome - to have the answers - to be a leader and example for people - to be successful - to feel good about myself.
What does it mean to deny myself and pick up my cross daily and follow Jesus?
I'm afraid maybe I've found myself in the midst of this Christian rat race to the top of the spiritual mountain. I've got to be the first one there. Then I'll be happy.
Is the love of God not enough?
I also find this great fear at work in me - I'm starting from a position of guilt in almost everything - assuming that there's probably a better way to be doing things - a better path in life - a better cause to champion - a better bit of advice to give - a better spiritual discipline to work on...
I've got to get to the basics of life. God is love. He has called me and drawn me and welcomed me in his arms. Life is a response to God - to His existence and action. Again and again I make it about other things...
I have these moments of distress and perhaps revelation every so often. Just thought I would share.
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2 comments:
Hey Ryan...
I've really been enjoying reading your blog entries about all your adventures. I've been vicariously living through you (you probably didn't know that, but it's true!). I just wanted to let you know that I admire you a lot for, not only what you're doing, but for the kind of guy you are, and I'm really excited about the things that God is revealing to you, even if they might be unclear at times. I'm praying for ya and hope that you continue to have a great time.
Schultz
ps--our blogs are named exactly the same thing. :)
Hey Ryan, Annie and I found this prayer of Mother Theresa's and shared it with our team. We thought you'd find it encouraging. Great post and I am truly blessed to receive the ponderings of your spirit.
"Dearest Lord, may I see you today and every day in the person of your sick, and, whilst nursing them, minister unto you.
"Though you hide yourself behind the unattractive disguise of the irritable, the exacting, the unreasonable, may I still recognize you, and say: “Jesus, my patient, how sweet it is to serve you.”
"Lord, give me this seeing faith, then my work will never be monotonous. I will ever find joy in humouring the fancies and gratifying the wishes of all poor sufferers.
"O beloved sick, how doubly dear you are to me, when you personify Christ; and what a privilege is mine to be allowed to tend you.
"Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.
"And O God, while you are Jesus my patient, deign also to be to me a patient Jesus, bearing with my faults, looking only to my intention, which is to love and serve you in the person of each one of your sick.
"Lord, increase my faith, bless my efforts and work, now and for evermore, Amen."
See you at New Years bro.
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