I'm a little wet

Here in Galati, they've got this thing they do with the heat - trying to save money I suppose. They don't turn it on until it's reached freezing outside...or November 1st...whichever comes first. I don't know if that's official policy, or just how it seems to work out. In the Bloc apartments (set up during communism - pretty ugly...very functional) people don't have individual heating units - it's all done with some central city heating system, thus people don't really have a choice when they get heat (though they can control it once it reaches their apt.) All that to say...it's been cold. real cold. Romanians say "frig" (freeg). Everymorning when I wake up and go into the kitchen for breakfast, mama lenutsa greets me with a "hey you're up...it's cold outside!" or.."good morning...it's reeeeallly cold today" or "you're up later than usual...it's raining". Always some kind of weather report...and these days it's not a good report. :-)
Today I find myself a little wet.
Mom, thanks for encouraging me to get those waterproof boots. That was brilliant!

I haven't really felt like writing recently. sorry to leave you with a downer blog for the last 10 days or so. Life just has it's ups and downs. Sometimes I understand why I feel the way I do and sometimes I have absolutely no clue. that's tough for me. It makes me feel kinda out of control - dangerous. like I can't control if people like me then...cause I would assume people would like me if I'm happy and smiley and have profound things to say...or if I'm down, at least to be able to diagnose my current "temper" in a display of self-awareness. But when I just don't know why I feel the way I do - what do I do with that! yikes. This again points to a few things in my mind. Namely, the need for real love. I assume this is the experience of many people, not just myself. This proves to me that I can't rely on my actions and constant likeability and performances to acheive for me friends and attention and "love". cause then those things will fluctuate like the wind. that's no good. I need people (and a God) who are committed to me. To loving me. In the moments of impressive performance and charm and intellect...and in the moments of moodyness, incoherance, arogance - lack of spelling ability even. There was a quote in one of the sermons we listened to last week that caught my attention -"I don't love you because you have worth - I love you to bring you worth". Considering that everyone bears the image of God - created by Him- (that's such a big deal!!!) I think there is certainly intrinsic worth in that. Yet, I love the idea that we don't earn what love we receive - from God or from others. The love we receive brings us our worth.

I'm not sure how to make a good connection to this next thought...so yeah. I was reading an article by one of our staff here (in the Cry - wmf journal) talking about her experience of suffering, as she has joined her life to the suffering of many of the people here in Romania - I can name them as I've done before - poverty - huge families - tons of kids - different fathers. abuse. not enough food. cold - no heat. not enough money for books for school, thus they drop out. prostitution as a way out of poverty. disease and drunkenness paralyzing families. This is suffering yes. I think I'm realizing though that suffering exists everywhere - it absolutely is so present in America - in the rich west. Maybe not in the same way - maybe people have food, shelter, schooling. But oh there's such suffering. The question is not whether there will be suffering - the question is whether or not people will choose to enter into that suffering - to bring healing to suffering. To embrace it's reality and existance - not to run away from it at every opportunity and to try to show to the world that we have no problems - no suffering - no pain - no wounds. I feel like that's mostly the response we've had in the American church...as I've experienced it. It feels so natural to run away and hid that from eachother.

This writer of this article was saying how her experience joining with and experiencing the suffering of the children here in Galati opened her to realize and embrace her own suffering - the painful wounds of her life...and to bring those to the loving Father - the Healer. What struck me, was the thought that I hadn't really brought my wounds (often self-inflicted i might add...sin etc...) and fears and failings to God with an expectation that I would find healing there. If I can't do that - if I don't have the faith to know that God is a healer, how can I work among such incredible suffering such as exist in places of poverty and injustice? We live as bearers of God's healing balm out of a response to being healed ourselves - we bring the good news - there is healing!! There is real love!
The mystery comes in the idea that often healing for our own wounds and fears and failings come as we work for the healing and redemption of other's wounds. As we enter into the suffering of others - as Jesus did, we find healing, love and hope. Somehow. That just seems to be how God has made it to be. The fact is, we serve and love and are loved by a God who suffered so much. He entered into the suffering of humanity. He has rescued us. Once and for all, and yet the Church has a vocation to bring healing...and be healed in the process.

I also want to say that I think the word healing might be a bit misleading - when I think of healing, i think it's like a one time thing. poof. I'm healed. I don't think that's often how it works. When I say healing I'm thinking more of the idea that for a time our wounds and fears and failures are accepted - embraced. For that moments, we feel whole. In my experience those fears and wounds and failures revisit - but maybe not as strong - or maybe stronger. But perhaps our faith is strengthened in the healer and we come to Him again.

I'm sure not all of this makes sense - that's totally ok. Not all of it does to me either. I think God has me in a process of believing things such as these.