Drama

Hey friends
I'm back in Wisconsin. In fact I find myself sitting in the office chair at my parent's house.
Yeah, I'm not sure what I wish to say here. I want you to know that I'm back. Also, I would really appreciate prayer right now. This is a hard time.
I'm pretty overwhelmed with the stress of life right now. That's something I haven't felt in a while. wondering what's coming next. stressing over a decision. trying to understand what God would have me do. Wondering if I'm asking the right questions. Maybe I should just go to seminary. What in the world is Wisdom. We keep talking about it, but I'm skeptical.

Life seemed much simpler in Galati.
It seems that my focus is drawn to how to make money right now as I consider how I will get out to Denver...and as I consider how I will visit friends over New Year's. That's lame. It's also reality as my parents are quick to remind me.
Yet I remember that this is part of why I feel like I need to go to Denver. I need to see how a life of simplicity and faith and love and community can be lived in this American context. I want a chance to live out Christ's words, not just deflect them to an ignored corner of my mind. I want to live the collision between the Gospel with all its faith and deeds and the World in which we live.

Am I naive?
certainly.
Am I idealistic?
I hope so.
Do I know what I'm talking about?
not really.
Are those three ways of saying the same thing?
yes.
I think that's a sign I should stop writing :-)

Basically that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm frustrated that I feel caught up in the money game. It bothers me that my decisions are so affected by needing to make money. I'm not sure how to appropriately trust God to provide...realizing that He has created us to work and that work is good. I'm frustrated that I'm having a hard time just enjoying people and anticipating Christ's birth because I'm worried about how I can start this next leg of the journey.
I miss you friends. I miss you my Galati family.

Gata

Gata means "Done" or "I'm ready" in Romanian.

Gata! I'm done tiling! Praise the Lord. It turned out really well. If you need some tiling done...or know of someone who does, let me know :-)
I don't have a good picture of it right now, so this picture of fellow servant team member Kate looking really excited will have to suffice.
Sorry i haven't written more recently. I was busy tiling when I should have been putting up blog posts... or maybe something else :-) We leave Galati in a week, spend a few days in the Mountains on a wee vacation/festival of tears and then fly home the 15th. Yikes.
I'm learning and reflecting alot about community right now. Yet again community has proven to be messy and also wonderful as we seek intimacy and transparency and healthy lives together.
Thanks for any prayers during this next week for our WMF community here in Galati as we seek to bring closure to this time.

Fatsa mea (my face)

Joel Klepac did this sculpture of me one day. I just happened to walk in at a time when he was looking for a subject I guess :-). there's something about this that is just really cool. art art art...you're so mysterious

Thomitsa and I at the park. It's pretty much too cold to play, plus Tom would prefer to play for some money (about 40cents) so that he can feed his cats lol. cool guy.
The last couple times we've seen eachother, we've just talked for about an hour - no chess, just talk. He's a good man.

Lonely

This is a blog I wrote for the WMF Romania blog (wmfromania.blogspot.com).

But...I'm feeling betta' (think of the knight in Monty Python who got his appendages cut off and then said this :-)

I’m lonely. In fact, I’m not even sure that captures it. I feel alone. I’m feeling the effects of being in a place where I have trouble connecting with people. This is partly because we can’t speak each others’ languages well, partly because all my relationships are completely new within the last 3 months, and partly because relationships are just hard. I’m longing for someone to talk with. Someone to invite me to speak. Someone to keep me company I suppose. I’m longing for love. I haven’t felt this way many times in my life, but right now I feel down-right needy. I need some attention. I need some tlc. I need a back scratch and some of mom’s cooking. I need love.

Part of me doesn’t want to continue processing this, because I’m afraid I will inevitably discover how it is for my good and how God is using this to teach me something. Of those two things I’m quite confident, but I don’t know that God necessarily causes me to experience something like feeling alone, so that I learn stuff and become a “better person”. I’m tired of simplifying things like that. God is infinitely good, and He loves me. He has spoken to us that He works things out for good for those whom He loves and has called for His purposes. What’s frustrating to me is that I think we use ideas like that to make us ignore our feelings and emotions. The fact is I feel alone! I feel like I’m not known. I don’t feel enjoyed. I’m not sure where God is during this. Because of God’s character I trust that He works things like this out for my good, but the fact is it feels awful right now and this is not how things should be. People are not supposed to feel these things! In the fullness of God’s kingdom people will not feel this way!

With that said, I wonder what the children of Galati feel? The children who live on the streets, or the children who come to our day center everyday. I come from a home of love and support – wonderful family and friends. I currently live in a community like Word Made Flesh which is focused on relationships. Yet I still have moments like this. These children likely know nothing of the loving and supportive family and friends that I know. What do they feel like? Do they feel loved? My time spent with Word Made Flesh here in Romania has helped me to realize that perhaps the greatest poverty one can feel is the poverty of not being loved. Healthy, loving relationships are an absolutely essential part of who we are as people made in the image of the Triune God. As we consider serving and “loving” people, are we thinking mostly in terms of providing an answer to material poverty, of home and hunger, or are we as the Church willing to be Christ in the wake of relational poverty, this poverty of love?

Often when we interact with people in poverty, the conversation probably goes like this:

“Sure, I can give you some stuff. Here’s some cash. Need some clothes? Can I buy you a meal? Here you go. Go in peace.” But as I live among the hurting and I am begged from daily, and as I live life with the kids at-risk in the day center, I’ve learned to hear something deeper than what reaches my ears:

“What’s that you’re whispering? You’re saying that’s not what you really need? You say you’ve been trying to tell me this all along - with your fits of violence and anger, your begging, your cutting words, your sad eyes. Oh, you just want to be loved you say…

I think that’s what I’ve been saying too, I’ve just been using different words – melancholy, sarcasm, silence.”

I too feel this poverty of love.

Oh Lord, help us be one. Help us love.

Stefan Cel Mare

This is our friend Stefan. He's a big hero in the Romanian/Moldovan world. He held off the Turks for a while I believe. There is an awesome statue of him in downtown Chisinau. ("keyshinow")

Moldova

Hey These are some Pictures from our time in Chisinau - the capitol of Moldova.
They have some cool statues there....lots of lions and busts of old guys. Very cool. It was really a beautiful city, but right now when I think of big cities I think of pain. I think of the people I can't see. The ones that can't go to the nice restaurants and travel around wherever they want and buy stuff. I think of the fact that mostly the rich and the very poor live in big cities like Chisinau.
So it was kind of a bittersweet visit.

We came at a good time - they were having this huge wine Festival the day after we left. So these paraders were somewhat announcing the beginning of the festival. I would like to say that everyone in Moldova dresses like this. But unfortunately that's not true :-)
I'll put up more pics when I can - I'm having a hard time uploading pictures at the moment.

I'm a little wet

Here in Galati, they've got this thing they do with the heat - trying to save money I suppose. They don't turn it on until it's reached freezing outside...or November 1st...whichever comes first. I don't know if that's official policy, or just how it seems to work out. In the Bloc apartments (set up during communism - pretty ugly...very functional) people don't have individual heating units - it's all done with some central city heating system, thus people don't really have a choice when they get heat (though they can control it once it reaches their apt.) All that to say...it's been cold. real cold. Romanians say "frig" (freeg). Everymorning when I wake up and go into the kitchen for breakfast, mama lenutsa greets me with a "hey you're up...it's cold outside!" or.."good morning...it's reeeeallly cold today" or "you're up later than usual...it's raining". Always some kind of weather report...and these days it's not a good report. :-)
Today I find myself a little wet.
Mom, thanks for encouraging me to get those waterproof boots. That was brilliant!

I haven't really felt like writing recently. sorry to leave you with a downer blog for the last 10 days or so. Life just has it's ups and downs. Sometimes I understand why I feel the way I do and sometimes I have absolutely no clue. that's tough for me. It makes me feel kinda out of control - dangerous. like I can't control if people like me then...cause I would assume people would like me if I'm happy and smiley and have profound things to say...or if I'm down, at least to be able to diagnose my current "temper" in a display of self-awareness. But when I just don't know why I feel the way I do - what do I do with that! yikes. This again points to a few things in my mind. Namely, the need for real love. I assume this is the experience of many people, not just myself. This proves to me that I can't rely on my actions and constant likeability and performances to acheive for me friends and attention and "love". cause then those things will fluctuate like the wind. that's no good. I need people (and a God) who are committed to me. To loving me. In the moments of impressive performance and charm and intellect...and in the moments of moodyness, incoherance, arogance - lack of spelling ability even. There was a quote in one of the sermons we listened to last week that caught my attention -"I don't love you because you have worth - I love you to bring you worth". Considering that everyone bears the image of God - created by Him- (that's such a big deal!!!) I think there is certainly intrinsic worth in that. Yet, I love the idea that we don't earn what love we receive - from God or from others. The love we receive brings us our worth.

I'm not sure how to make a good connection to this next thought...so yeah. I was reading an article by one of our staff here (in the Cry - wmf journal) talking about her experience of suffering, as she has joined her life to the suffering of many of the people here in Romania - I can name them as I've done before - poverty - huge families - tons of kids - different fathers. abuse. not enough food. cold - no heat. not enough money for books for school, thus they drop out. prostitution as a way out of poverty. disease and drunkenness paralyzing families. This is suffering yes. I think I'm realizing though that suffering exists everywhere - it absolutely is so present in America - in the rich west. Maybe not in the same way - maybe people have food, shelter, schooling. But oh there's such suffering. The question is not whether there will be suffering - the question is whether or not people will choose to enter into that suffering - to bring healing to suffering. To embrace it's reality and existance - not to run away from it at every opportunity and to try to show to the world that we have no problems - no suffering - no pain - no wounds. I feel like that's mostly the response we've had in the American church...as I've experienced it. It feels so natural to run away and hid that from eachother.

This writer of this article was saying how her experience joining with and experiencing the suffering of the children here in Galati opened her to realize and embrace her own suffering - the painful wounds of her life...and to bring those to the loving Father - the Healer. What struck me, was the thought that I hadn't really brought my wounds (often self-inflicted i might add...sin etc...) and fears and failings to God with an expectation that I would find healing there. If I can't do that - if I don't have the faith to know that God is a healer, how can I work among such incredible suffering such as exist in places of poverty and injustice? We live as bearers of God's healing balm out of a response to being healed ourselves - we bring the good news - there is healing!! There is real love!
The mystery comes in the idea that often healing for our own wounds and fears and failings come as we work for the healing and redemption of other's wounds. As we enter into the suffering of others - as Jesus did, we find healing, love and hope. Somehow. That just seems to be how God has made it to be. The fact is, we serve and love and are loved by a God who suffered so much. He entered into the suffering of humanity. He has rescued us. Once and for all, and yet the Church has a vocation to bring healing...and be healed in the process.

I also want to say that I think the word healing might be a bit misleading - when I think of healing, i think it's like a one time thing. poof. I'm healed. I don't think that's often how it works. When I say healing I'm thinking more of the idea that for a time our wounds and fears and failures are accepted - embraced. For that moments, we feel whole. In my experience those fears and wounds and failures revisit - but maybe not as strong - or maybe stronger. But perhaps our faith is strengthened in the healer and we come to Him again.

I'm sure not all of this makes sense - that's totally ok. Not all of it does to me either. I think God has me in a process of believing things such as these.