Stefan Cel Mare

This is our friend Stefan. He's a big hero in the Romanian/Moldovan world. He held off the Turks for a while I believe. There is an awesome statue of him in downtown Chisinau. ("keyshinow")

Moldova

Hey These are some Pictures from our time in Chisinau - the capitol of Moldova.
They have some cool statues there....lots of lions and busts of old guys. Very cool. It was really a beautiful city, but right now when I think of big cities I think of pain. I think of the people I can't see. The ones that can't go to the nice restaurants and travel around wherever they want and buy stuff. I think of the fact that mostly the rich and the very poor live in big cities like Chisinau.
So it was kind of a bittersweet visit.

We came at a good time - they were having this huge wine Festival the day after we left. So these paraders were somewhat announcing the beginning of the festival. I would like to say that everyone in Moldova dresses like this. But unfortunately that's not true :-)
I'll put up more pics when I can - I'm having a hard time uploading pictures at the moment.

I'm a little wet

Here in Galati, they've got this thing they do with the heat - trying to save money I suppose. They don't turn it on until it's reached freezing outside...or November 1st...whichever comes first. I don't know if that's official policy, or just how it seems to work out. In the Bloc apartments (set up during communism - pretty ugly...very functional) people don't have individual heating units - it's all done with some central city heating system, thus people don't really have a choice when they get heat (though they can control it once it reaches their apt.) All that to say...it's been cold. real cold. Romanians say "frig" (freeg). Everymorning when I wake up and go into the kitchen for breakfast, mama lenutsa greets me with a "hey you're up...it's cold outside!" or.."good morning...it's reeeeallly cold today" or "you're up later than usual...it's raining". Always some kind of weather report...and these days it's not a good report. :-)
Today I find myself a little wet.
Mom, thanks for encouraging me to get those waterproof boots. That was brilliant!

I haven't really felt like writing recently. sorry to leave you with a downer blog for the last 10 days or so. Life just has it's ups and downs. Sometimes I understand why I feel the way I do and sometimes I have absolutely no clue. that's tough for me. It makes me feel kinda out of control - dangerous. like I can't control if people like me then...cause I would assume people would like me if I'm happy and smiley and have profound things to say...or if I'm down, at least to be able to diagnose my current "temper" in a display of self-awareness. But when I just don't know why I feel the way I do - what do I do with that! yikes. This again points to a few things in my mind. Namely, the need for real love. I assume this is the experience of many people, not just myself. This proves to me that I can't rely on my actions and constant likeability and performances to acheive for me friends and attention and "love". cause then those things will fluctuate like the wind. that's no good. I need people (and a God) who are committed to me. To loving me. In the moments of impressive performance and charm and intellect...and in the moments of moodyness, incoherance, arogance - lack of spelling ability even. There was a quote in one of the sermons we listened to last week that caught my attention -"I don't love you because you have worth - I love you to bring you worth". Considering that everyone bears the image of God - created by Him- (that's such a big deal!!!) I think there is certainly intrinsic worth in that. Yet, I love the idea that we don't earn what love we receive - from God or from others. The love we receive brings us our worth.

I'm not sure how to make a good connection to this next thought...so yeah. I was reading an article by one of our staff here (in the Cry - wmf journal) talking about her experience of suffering, as she has joined her life to the suffering of many of the people here in Romania - I can name them as I've done before - poverty - huge families - tons of kids - different fathers. abuse. not enough food. cold - no heat. not enough money for books for school, thus they drop out. prostitution as a way out of poverty. disease and drunkenness paralyzing families. This is suffering yes. I think I'm realizing though that suffering exists everywhere - it absolutely is so present in America - in the rich west. Maybe not in the same way - maybe people have food, shelter, schooling. But oh there's such suffering. The question is not whether there will be suffering - the question is whether or not people will choose to enter into that suffering - to bring healing to suffering. To embrace it's reality and existance - not to run away from it at every opportunity and to try to show to the world that we have no problems - no suffering - no pain - no wounds. I feel like that's mostly the response we've had in the American church...as I've experienced it. It feels so natural to run away and hid that from eachother.

This writer of this article was saying how her experience joining with and experiencing the suffering of the children here in Galati opened her to realize and embrace her own suffering - the painful wounds of her life...and to bring those to the loving Father - the Healer. What struck me, was the thought that I hadn't really brought my wounds (often self-inflicted i might add...sin etc...) and fears and failings to God with an expectation that I would find healing there. If I can't do that - if I don't have the faith to know that God is a healer, how can I work among such incredible suffering such as exist in places of poverty and injustice? We live as bearers of God's healing balm out of a response to being healed ourselves - we bring the good news - there is healing!! There is real love!
The mystery comes in the idea that often healing for our own wounds and fears and failings come as we work for the healing and redemption of other's wounds. As we enter into the suffering of others - as Jesus did, we find healing, love and hope. Somehow. That just seems to be how God has made it to be. The fact is, we serve and love and are loved by a God who suffered so much. He entered into the suffering of humanity. He has rescued us. Once and for all, and yet the Church has a vocation to bring healing...and be healed in the process.

I also want to say that I think the word healing might be a bit misleading - when I think of healing, i think it's like a one time thing. poof. I'm healed. I don't think that's often how it works. When I say healing I'm thinking more of the idea that for a time our wounds and fears and failures are accepted - embraced. For that moments, we feel whole. In my experience those fears and wounds and failures revisit - but maybe not as strong - or maybe stronger. But perhaps our faith is strengthened in the healer and we come to Him again.

I'm sure not all of this makes sense - that's totally ok. Not all of it does to me either. I think God has me in a process of believing things such as these.

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength

Hey ya'll
I'm still here. Battered and bruised yes, but still here.

We spent this last week in Moldova - I'll post some pics soon.
Part of the team was checking out the possibility of starting a WMF
community there focusing on the problem of sex trafficking that's really prevalent there.
The rest of us were just hanging out, cause we had to be out of Romania for at least 3 days
in order to get our visas renewed.
It was good and bad. We were in Chisinau - the capitol city. So we did the tourist thing a bit - I find that I'm not really in the tourist mood right now, but I guess a break is healthy once and a while. I think several of us got tired of eachother while we were there. We hung out all day everyday. Stuff comes up, issues arise, and drama happens when you spend that much time around people. yikes. yeah for community! :-) But seriously I think it is good. We were forced to deal with it. I really like that about being here with this WMF community. We are forced to deal with the junk that is part of real life- in the world and in relationship with ourselves in our relationships with God and in our relationships with eachother. that's a great thing. It's horrible and painful and depressing. Yet it's great. It's like that disgusting medicine that I know will make me better (though these days they make medicine taste so good...).
That's kinda been my mood as of late. Depressed - dealing with culture shock. Not really knowing how to connect with God in this foreign culture. Not knowing how to connect with other people - whether they speak English or Romanian. Being frustrated at this melancholy, confused, somewhat apathetic person on display to the people around me.
I'm also dealing somewhat with the disappointment of realizing that my expectations for this experience aren't being met, and likely won't be. I guess I hoped this experience would fix me. I wrote in an email the other day that I hoped this experience would make me a "love machine" - that I would just come away oozing God's love - knowing exactly how to love God and love the world around me.

That much is consistent - it's about "me". Why is it that I want to be a "love machine"? I dont' think that's coming out of a response to God's love. More likely, It's out of a desire to be something awesome - to have the answers - to be a leader and example for people - to be successful - to feel good about myself.

What does it mean to deny myself and pick up my cross daily and follow Jesus?

I'm afraid maybe I've found myself in the midst of this Christian rat race to the top of the spiritual mountain. I've got to be the first one there. Then I'll be happy.
Is the love of God not enough?

I also find this great fear at work in me - I'm starting from a position of guilt in almost everything - assuming that there's probably a better way to be doing things - a better path in life - a better cause to champion - a better bit of advice to give - a better spiritual discipline to work on...

I've got to get to the basics of life. God is love. He has called me and drawn me and welcomed me in his arms. Life is a response to God - to His existence and action. Again and again I make it about other things...

I have these moments of distress and perhaps revelation every so often. Just thought I would share.

Some Pics

This is a classic Galati picture. Nathan and I are trying to wrangle this runaway horse. It was walking straight for the busyest street in the city. We basically saved its life.

(Left) This is the "popadia" - afountain in the

middle of the city that apparently someone

thought was really cool.

This is the courtyard of the Center where pretty much everything happens.

Veggie garden is all the way back. Chapel is back to the left. Workshop is connected to it on the left. Offices are back right. Then in front of that is the bathroom/showers, then artroom, then dinning room and kitchen, then day room, where the school stuff happens.

I got few words

A typical conversation I might have with one of my young friends here at the Day Center:

Ryan: "What's up Daniel. How are you?"
Daniel: Good. How are you?
"very good."
Hey, can you play basketball with me pretty please.
"Yes."
let's play horse (obligat)"
ok. we play... I say "almost" and "way to go!" about 15 times.
I don't want to play anymore.
"ok"

[at the swing]
Hey Ryan (they most likely call me josh first...then I help them remember it's ryan), can you push me on the swing?
"yes. Hard or no?"
very hard!
[swinging]...
"harder?"
yes!...
stop!!

[During lunch]
"Hey, how was school today?"
good
"Do you like it?"
no
"why not?"
;lkas;lkfhasdf;lkh (a response I don't understand)
"oh...
How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
4 sisters and 3 brothers. Big huh.
"very big.
How was your weekend?"
good. ;lkajs;dlfk I played football a;lkjs;dflkjasdf and walked a;lkja;sldkfj
"very good...
alright. see you later Daniel. Have a good night."


So as you can tell I can't have the most profound conversation with these kids. And yet it's good. I'm really enjoying learning to love the kids without the ability to really speak with them verbally. It makes me communicate love and care and interest with my actions...not just my words. it's awesome. teaching me a lot about what it means to be human. to need community. to need time with people. to need shared experience. to need attention. it's great. In many ways talk costs much less than actions and reaps accordingly. Talk doesn't have to be cheap, but it has certainly been that at times.

I'm pretty sure this is something I will learn more about as a parent, but I'm so glad I'm being exposed to it now. In the "adult world" we seem to rely so heavily on words. And complicated words at that. Words obviously aren't bad; it's just cool and I think important to know I can deeply connect with someone without the ability to say more than "hey. how are you?" and "you have two brothers? cool."