love song

Switchfoot has a song in which they say “every lament is a love song”.

I love that line.

Consider this a love song to my Denver community.

I miss you so much right now. I'm hungry for deep fellowship. I'm hungry for a good round of “Sashet”. For some listening prayer. I'm desperate for a conversation about what Papa is doing in our lives and hearts – what is he speaking to us? Where is he leading us? What is the master saying?

Alex and Jason – I miss you guys so much. I miss your serious reflection on life that I was once privileged to be a part of – to listen and help process. To grow with you and be nourished myself in the process. To witness God's gracious transforming work is so soul-satisfying.

“My soul thirsts for God...for the living God”

I didn't realized how precious it really was to have such consistent heart connection with brothers and sisters. To know and be known. To interact as a spiritual family. To be led by and knit together in the bond of the Spirit.

I've run into the fact that these concepts are STRANGE to many people. It reminds me that I used to be one of those people that just didn't get this stuff. I felt anxious leading up to a house-church gathering because, well, what are we going to do again? I didn't really prepare anything... How do I know it's going to be good? And we're all going to 'get something out of it'?

Desi, you told me one time that you don't want to be a part of something (I believe you said “ever again”) that you can “pull off” without God. You only want to do stuff that it's obvious if God wasn't there and didn't work and teach and lead and shepherd.

It's really uncomfortable for me to be the only one here in Cleveland who has experienced this kind of interaction in the body of Christ. I need courage. I need courage cause I'm dying without this kind of interaction. Atrophy of the soul.

I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with all this. I just know it really hurts right now.

Kids, I miss you guys dearly. Gonzales familia. Perla, I've been teaching everyone to laugh like you do. I hope that's ok :-) Franky, I could even go for a late night hospital visit with lily and your padres!

Argo park. You beautiful treasure. I will yet tread upon your soft grass.

I will yet glide a frisbee across your back. And dive upon you as a pillow in rescue of a disc.

Red, I'm sorry I didn't play with you more. I wish I would have taken you outside more to run and smell things and find random things to chew on. I was often selfish with you. I'm sorry. I'm so glad you have micah and betsy and alex and jason and james and andy and the kids to love you and play with you.

Now, for all who might be very concerned right now... or feeling really bad that I moved to Cleveland...You don't need to. God led me here. I trust Him. Being with Kate has far surpassed my expectations. To miss something, or someone, doesn't mean you're dissatisfied. Or that the place you are or the people you are with are lacking. It just means you love. I love my spiritual family. Yes, to all who've been asking, I miss Denver a TON.

I don't know how all this works, but I know that grief and lament are important parts of a healthy life.

I know that God will provide what I need. And I know that ONLY God knows what that is.

Connection takes time.

The relationships I'm grieving and the love I'm writing about..those were not made overnight...or even in a month and a half.

And praise the Lord for that.

I've been reading through the “upper room discourse” in john where Jesus is basically having his last words with his family before He leaves for a while. It feels like a condensed message. A soup in concentrate form if you will.

Two things stick out to me. Relationship with Jesus and the Father (and the Spirit). And relationship with eachother (as in the disciples with eachother).

“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.”

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, If you have love for one another.”

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”

“Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me...”

“If anyone loves me, he will keep my word...”

“I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. ...”

“Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my father's commandments and abide in his love.”

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”

“You are my friends if you do what I command you”

“These things I command you, so that you will love one another.”

Does this get talked about very much? I don't think it does. Weird? It honestly seems like THE MAIN THING on Jesus' heart leading up to His crucifixion and resurrection.

I miss you Denver friends for that reason as well. I have learned more about loving from you than anyone else ever.

I love you friends!

Mansions in heaven? If that's literal, I'm not sure that I want one...

Friday during my lunch hour I decided to go for a walk. I packed pb and j - my personal fav. and so my lunch was pretty mobile, and it was a gorgeous day. Right across the street from where I work is an awesome walking path and a pretty neighborhood and some incredible views of the mountains. So it all added up to an easy decision to go for a lunch walk. The neighborhood that I walked through was a really wealthy neighborhood - actually the most expensive homes I've seen in Denver so far. Crazy-money homes. I was thinking "oh, this will be fun to look at the nice homes..." and I expected it to be so. I was kinda surprised at my feeling though as I walked past these houses - these huge, beautiful, scenic houses. I was sad. I was kinda irritated too. The idea of living in one of these houses, in this ridiculously "nice" neighborhood has become so so unappealing to me. I see loneliness and greed and self-centerdness. I see the American dream laid out before to perfection and I'm thinking to myself "isn't it obvious how dumb this is? Isn't it obvious how empty all this stuff and money and isolation leaves people? How has this become what we value and pursue with our lives?" 

I think the thing that was interesting to me was that I wasn't just thinking these things with my mind....I was feeling them. I'm grateful though - really thankful that God has given me the gift of being able to see the emptiness and lies represented by something as simple as a huge empty house in suburbia. 

And yet while the alternative i think reflects so much more truth and beauty and I really believe is the way God made us to live, it isn't always easy. Living in community in a poorer neighborhood without my own room, sharing each and every meal, learning to give and serve as a primary action over own and take, having people over all the time, never knowing what God will bring that day....it's challenging. sometimes grueling. It is at times like this that the appeal of security and independence and privacy becomes magnetic. 

In the Sunday morning House-Church we were discussing 1 Corinthians 4 today. I think part of this chapter is somewhat appropriate.  

"For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong, You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things." 

What kind of lifestyle produces a description like this? yikes. 

It's bloggin time

Hey friends!
So I decided it's time to come out of winter hibernation, even though it just
started snowing again here in Denver...
I knew that it had been a while since I'd written anything, but I had
no idea it had been this long. 3 months. O K.

Here's a quick little update:

I'm living in Denver, CO with some great guys from JBU
Micah "Bones" Dekorne
Mark "Has a girlfriend" Dawson
and Andy "Itlalian Mafia" Yi

We're a part of a house-Church network. Awesome! basically
we meet in homes (eat meals together as a part of the service!) focus
on our neighborhoods, want to spread into other houses and neighborhoods
as we grow, emphasize the Church as the people of God gifted by Him
for His purpose and glory, and make disciples of Jesus.
We started a "church" (as in the meeting) at our place about a month ago.
pretty sweet.

As far as a job goes...I'm pretty much talking trash all day long. And I get paid for it.
Sweet job.
Actually that's true because I work for Waste Management - the garbage co.
I'm a customer service representative in the call center. So I talk trash all day.
I really love working with people who don't know Jesus! It's so invigorating.

I think I've really discovered a passion of mine for evangelism - the idea of people
coming to know Jesus and his salvation is so exciting. I love praying for that and
looking for that and building relationships and seeing God work miracles and draw
people together in relationship and closer to Him.
I have not dared to call many things in my life passions, so it's really exciting for
me to discover this a genuine passion. I see that as a great blessing from God.

Um...lets see about some other details about life since Romania.
I'm quite at peace in life right now. That's just incredible to me considering how
I was feeling as of the last post on this blog :-). Often I seem to have the impatience
of a child and the lack-of-faith fitting for an arrogant adult.
I moved out here about a month and a half ago.

I don't think I love the mountains like many people do. I think I get excited about
big flat areas like texas and little hilly areas like hawaii a bit more. Intresting.

I didn't even mention anything about the homeless shelter or anything that I got
to be a part of in Wisconsin before coming out here. that's a pity. Just know that
it was awesome and we saw (are I'm still hearing about) God do wonderful things
in the lives of many people associated with that and also in the Church of Janesville
unifying.

Well, anyway, that's a general overview. I look forward to writing more. I enjoy this.
I'm going to try to post a link to Micah's blog (he's a photographer so look there for awesome
pictures).
Sometimes following Jesus is just real fun.
rcat

Drama

Hey friends
I'm back in Wisconsin. In fact I find myself sitting in the office chair at my parent's house.
Yeah, I'm not sure what I wish to say here. I want you to know that I'm back. Also, I would really appreciate prayer right now. This is a hard time.
I'm pretty overwhelmed with the stress of life right now. That's something I haven't felt in a while. wondering what's coming next. stressing over a decision. trying to understand what God would have me do. Wondering if I'm asking the right questions. Maybe I should just go to seminary. What in the world is Wisdom. We keep talking about it, but I'm skeptical.

Life seemed much simpler in Galati.
It seems that my focus is drawn to how to make money right now as I consider how I will get out to Denver...and as I consider how I will visit friends over New Year's. That's lame. It's also reality as my parents are quick to remind me.
Yet I remember that this is part of why I feel like I need to go to Denver. I need to see how a life of simplicity and faith and love and community can be lived in this American context. I want a chance to live out Christ's words, not just deflect them to an ignored corner of my mind. I want to live the collision between the Gospel with all its faith and deeds and the World in which we live.

Am I naive?
certainly.
Am I idealistic?
I hope so.
Do I know what I'm talking about?
not really.
Are those three ways of saying the same thing?
yes.
I think that's a sign I should stop writing :-)

Basically that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm frustrated that I feel caught up in the money game. It bothers me that my decisions are so affected by needing to make money. I'm not sure how to appropriately trust God to provide...realizing that He has created us to work and that work is good. I'm frustrated that I'm having a hard time just enjoying people and anticipating Christ's birth because I'm worried about how I can start this next leg of the journey.
I miss you friends. I miss you my Galati family.

Gata

Gata means "Done" or "I'm ready" in Romanian.

Gata! I'm done tiling! Praise the Lord. It turned out really well. If you need some tiling done...or know of someone who does, let me know :-)
I don't have a good picture of it right now, so this picture of fellow servant team member Kate looking really excited will have to suffice.
Sorry i haven't written more recently. I was busy tiling when I should have been putting up blog posts... or maybe something else :-) We leave Galati in a week, spend a few days in the Mountains on a wee vacation/festival of tears and then fly home the 15th. Yikes.
I'm learning and reflecting alot about community right now. Yet again community has proven to be messy and also wonderful as we seek intimacy and transparency and healthy lives together.
Thanks for any prayers during this next week for our WMF community here in Galati as we seek to bring closure to this time.

Fatsa mea (my face)

Joel Klepac did this sculpture of me one day. I just happened to walk in at a time when he was looking for a subject I guess :-). there's something about this that is just really cool. art art art...you're so mysterious

Thomitsa and I at the park. It's pretty much too cold to play, plus Tom would prefer to play for some money (about 40cents) so that he can feed his cats lol. cool guy.
The last couple times we've seen eachother, we've just talked for about an hour - no chess, just talk. He's a good man.

Lonely

This is a blog I wrote for the WMF Romania blog (wmfromania.blogspot.com).

But...I'm feeling betta' (think of the knight in Monty Python who got his appendages cut off and then said this :-)

I’m lonely. In fact, I’m not even sure that captures it. I feel alone. I’m feeling the effects of being in a place where I have trouble connecting with people. This is partly because we can’t speak each others’ languages well, partly because all my relationships are completely new within the last 3 months, and partly because relationships are just hard. I’m longing for someone to talk with. Someone to invite me to speak. Someone to keep me company I suppose. I’m longing for love. I haven’t felt this way many times in my life, but right now I feel down-right needy. I need some attention. I need some tlc. I need a back scratch and some of mom’s cooking. I need love.

Part of me doesn’t want to continue processing this, because I’m afraid I will inevitably discover how it is for my good and how God is using this to teach me something. Of those two things I’m quite confident, but I don’t know that God necessarily causes me to experience something like feeling alone, so that I learn stuff and become a “better person”. I’m tired of simplifying things like that. God is infinitely good, and He loves me. He has spoken to us that He works things out for good for those whom He loves and has called for His purposes. What’s frustrating to me is that I think we use ideas like that to make us ignore our feelings and emotions. The fact is I feel alone! I feel like I’m not known. I don’t feel enjoyed. I’m not sure where God is during this. Because of God’s character I trust that He works things like this out for my good, but the fact is it feels awful right now and this is not how things should be. People are not supposed to feel these things! In the fullness of God’s kingdom people will not feel this way!

With that said, I wonder what the children of Galati feel? The children who live on the streets, or the children who come to our day center everyday. I come from a home of love and support – wonderful family and friends. I currently live in a community like Word Made Flesh which is focused on relationships. Yet I still have moments like this. These children likely know nothing of the loving and supportive family and friends that I know. What do they feel like? Do they feel loved? My time spent with Word Made Flesh here in Romania has helped me to realize that perhaps the greatest poverty one can feel is the poverty of not being loved. Healthy, loving relationships are an absolutely essential part of who we are as people made in the image of the Triune God. As we consider serving and “loving” people, are we thinking mostly in terms of providing an answer to material poverty, of home and hunger, or are we as the Church willing to be Christ in the wake of relational poverty, this poverty of love?

Often when we interact with people in poverty, the conversation probably goes like this:

“Sure, I can give you some stuff. Here’s some cash. Need some clothes? Can I buy you a meal? Here you go. Go in peace.” But as I live among the hurting and I am begged from daily, and as I live life with the kids at-risk in the day center, I’ve learned to hear something deeper than what reaches my ears:

“What’s that you’re whispering? You’re saying that’s not what you really need? You say you’ve been trying to tell me this all along - with your fits of violence and anger, your begging, your cutting words, your sad eyes. Oh, you just want to be loved you say…

I think that’s what I’ve been saying too, I’ve just been using different words – melancholy, sarcasm, silence.”

I too feel this poverty of love.

Oh Lord, help us be one. Help us love.